This is Not Milk Reviews

In which I attempt to make nut, grass, and legume milks more tolerable by applying science-y bits in a very subjective manner.

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Some backstory:

A month ago, I started feeling awful. Like, this is what the onset of a heart-attack must feel like, awful. I was feeling bloated, like food didn't want to stay down (even when I hadn't eaten any food). I was feeling pokey sensations in my chest, fatigue, and just a general feeling of being "off."

Before I went to the doctor, I drastically changed my eating habits. For 2 weeks, I ate no dairy, no grains, and absolutely no sweeteners. By the time I got in to see my doctor, my symptoms had lessened drastically. We did blood work and an EKG to rule stuff out. Things seemed to be doing better.

Then I ate some cheese.

OMG, the bloating, discomfort, pokey feelings in the chest, and GERD symptoms returned almost immediately. The next day, I swaddled myself and drank Stomach Comfort tea until I had tea coming out of my... whatever. I stayed away from milk products, and things got better. I thought maybe it was just a fluke. After all, I did eat a lot of crap that day—(bread, mayo...) not just the cheese.

Three days later... Not having learned my lesson, I had more cheese—and all the symptoms came back with a vengeance. So... I'm off dairy for the foreseeable future.

Not to be outdone by dairy, I went out and bought every not-milk that was recommended to me (mainly to see what would be a good substitute in my coffee). First it was almond, then pea-protein, then cashew.... everyone, it seems, has a preference.

Here's my take:



We start with everyone’s original go-to milk substitute: SOY MILK


Soy is the standard to which most non-dairy milks are held. I’m not sure why, other than it’s been around and accepted the longest (&/or because the Soy industry spends a shit load on lobbyists). 


I actually like soy milk. Not so much as a milk alternative, but as a different beverage-type-food. I remember the first time I had it, I thought it tasted similar to malted milk. There was just something malt-y in the aftertaste—of course, some people liken this to dirt (tomato / tomato).


—I’m realizing that doesn’t really work as a visual, but now I’m having fun repeating “to-may’-toh, to-may’-toh” in my head).  


Soy has, at once, both a rounder and thinner mouth feel than milk. It’s like you’re drinking lower fat milk that has a protective coating. I don’t know how else to describe it & truthfully, it’s probably not best to compare it to dairy milk at all, but just keep it on it’s own this-is-not-really-milk plane.


Unfortunately, no matter how much I may like soy milk, it doesn’t like me. One glass of soy does to me what an overdose of dairy does to others. It’s not pretty, so we’ll move on.

ALMOND MILK

Someone, at some point, looked at almonds and said, “Hey, I bet we could make a beverage out of this!” Naturally. I mean who wouldn’t look at a pointy little nut and think Sweet liquid of the Gods!


This is the next trendy not-milk that follows in soy’s footsteps. It has a rather thin mouth feel, not much body, with a hint of something that was rolled in dirt (not at all malt-y, btw)—which is why they need to flavor and sweeten it.


In coffee, you have to ask yourself, why even bother? But you’re trying to be good and healthy and you’ve read that almond milk is a good substitute. (Note: the same people who wrote about how healthy almond milk is also assured you that you could make tofu taste like anything, including chicken. bastards.)


But, mostly, if you want almond milk in your coffee the important question becomes how well does it froth? —And the resounding answer is.... it doesn’t, not at all. Not even the non-fat stuff. It gets little bubbles that quickly disperse, leaving you with nothing but flat nut milk that makes your coffee taste a little like dirt (albeit in some cases, vanilla-flavored dirt).

Edit: Fast forward a couple of months and I did find a brand that froths beautifully (and I've gotten used to the taste): SoDelicious Almond-Cashew (not) Milk froths really well and doesn't taste half bad in my coffee. In fact, I've gotten so used to it that I even had it over a bowl of cereal (once).

RICE MILK

...is very thin tasting and only good in Horchatas, which are fabulously bad for you but taste oh-so-good.
Moving on.

COCONUT MILK

Health nuts and bullet coffee fanatics will tell you that coconut (be it oil, milk, cream, or manna) is the *best* thing to consume in your coffee. They insist that the long chain fatty acids found in coconut’s saturated fats are good for you. The only problem is, it’s anecdotal—we only have their word for it. So far none of the scientific studies indicate that this is true. In fact, Science states quite the opposite, and we really won’t know who is right until this generation of health nuts (said with love) either start experiencing heart disease or out live us all.


As for taste? It’s fabulous. OMG, I could eat coconut cream (or milk, or manna) by the spoonful. Coconut milk, depending on the fat content and temperature, can be anything from a solid (that melts easily), to a thin liquid. Even the lower fat versions have a good mouth feel and taste.


In coffee, the cream and the full fat versions are almost like melted butter—very rich and only a spoonful (or two) is needed. Since the full fat versions are usually solid, they don’t froth, but really, you don’t mind. The lower fat versions in liquid form don’t really froth either (but they’re still way better than almond milk).

PEA PROTEIN BASED MILKS

This is a fairly new concept to me, but people on the Interwebs are kind of crazy for it right now. One of the selling points is the amount of plant-based protein—which clearly makes people excitable, because we are a people of and for protein. Protein is life.


Granted, in look and mouth feel, they’re in the ballpark of cow’s milk—(not to mix metaphors, but...) possibly a 2nd cousin to cow’s milk or cream. In actuality, it’s more like a thick, tasteless brethren to soy milk. And even though it’s thick, it doesn’t really do well in coffee (in my opinion)—although it does froth slightly. I mean, there were foamy bubbles.


What it makes up for in thickness, it absolutely lacks in richness. Don’t even bother putting it in your coffee. This might be good for cooking your overnight oats or in some sort of baked thing.

CASHEW MILK

This is the latest of the nut milks to gain popularity in the national health scene. If comparing it to the hierarchy of not-milks, it’s probably right up there with soy. It is slightly creamier and richer than almond milk with about the same consistency. It doesn’t have nearly as thick a mouth feel as pea protein milks. 


Cashew is also the new favorite non-dairy replacement in vegan cheeses, sour creams, and yogurts. None of which have I actually tried yet. Sources say, however, that it’s a good substitute. Of course, “sources” also told me tofu could taste like chicken. I have yet to make that happen. (Why tofu gods? WHY?!?)


Like the pea protein milks, cashew milk froths a little, but not enough to trick yourself into thinking you’re drinking a latte (and the foaminess quickly dissipates). That said, it’s not horrible. A lot of people really love it, and given time I might love it as well. It’s not milk, but it’s not dirt either.

OAT MILK

If you’ve ever chewed on a piece of oat straw, or had oat straw tea (which admittedly is like .01% of the population), then you know what oat milk tastes like. Sort of grassy and naturally sweet. It has a similar mouth feel to soy milk—a little thin around the edges. If you like sweeter milk but don’t want the added sugars, this is your go-to. It’s decent in coffee and froths about as well as the pea protein and cashew milks—which is to say, barely (but there were bubbles).


I would think that this would be particularly good in really strong coffee, where the sweetness comes through but the coffee flavor overpowers the grassiness. I could also see using this to sweeten oatmeal.

FLAX MILK

OMG, how many more not-milks are there? 


I have to admit to not being all that enthusiastic to try flax milk. To me, flax seeds have a sort of fishy (as in fish) aftertaste, and while I hope the milk doesn’t taste fishy, I can’t imagine it any other way. And with so many other not-milks to choose from, I think maybe I’ll pass (for now). Sorry Flax.